When committed friends or couples fight, there are two things going on simultaneously with each partner. They have a valid concern or need that they are trying to get across and their concern is often distorted by old emotional allergies and projections that the other person is wrong and therefore at fault. Most of us focus on our point of view and the other person’s distortion in an argument. As most of you know, this approach does not work very well. The Peace Treaty is a constructive healing method to resolve chronic conflict and deepen your loving connection with yourself as well as your partner.
During the honeymoon stage of a relationship, which can last from one day to two years, we admire our partner’s positive qualities, while every void within suddenly feels whole. Smitten, many of us secretly hope we can absorb those qualities through osmosis. I’ve noticed throughout my career that lovers pick partners that will activate every dream, but also every illusion buried within about love. Like a circus funhouse, love provides mirrors so each partner can eventually see their own reflection. It is as if our soul recognizes a worthy partner and love compels us to grow into our full potential.
After emotional commitments are made to each other in a relationship, the working stage begins in earnest. While hiding our illusions and unconscious motivations from polite society is relatively easy, it becomes nearly impossible to do with an intimate partner. Love is the most powerful force in the universe and will reveal any block to its full expression. Sometimes it is difficult to find our saboteurs or realize how our partner mirrors our issues so we can see our reflection. So the deepest part of our psyche picks partners that push buttons. By acknowledging and healing our illusions hidden within, we will experience even deeper love and joy.
Often the very quality we admired in our partner during the honeymoon stage of a relationship creates great frustration later. The only way we can strengthen a quality within is by facing and healing our illusions our self. This illustrates an important tenant within the Peace Treaty. Most of us focus on our partner and the discomfort they cause us. Partners always push buttons, but they are our buttons or shadow material nevertheless. When we lose touch with our illusions and unconscious material our partner will provide mirrors so we can see our reflection. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on your point of view, the things that really aggravate us about our partner are reflections that trail back to both partner’s disowned issues and needs. When each individual takes the time to find the origins of the underlying issue or trauma that touches their shadow in the current situation with each other, an opportunity to heal within and transcend illusion greatly improves.
The Peace Treaty considers chronic conflict and powerful emotional reactions as opportunities for individual growth. In effect, an emotional crisis can be seen as a way to express and get our deeper needs met, heal our shadow material and strengthen our relationship with our partner. Blaming your partner for triggering these unpleasant emotions prevents you from discovering the opportunity that your anger and/or powerful emotions could be teaching you. Expressing your valid concerns and needs with mindfulness increases the chances for your heart’s desire to be addressed. Transforming a current crisis and making the connection to previous injuries in the past, prevents us from dumping suffering on our partner and activating a matching victim-perpetrator paradigm within our partner. In this way a crisis becomes an opportunity to feel more joy and deepen your connection with your partner.
When we muster the courage to self-reflect, heal past wounds, and stop projecting problems onto our partner, a powerful surge of love, compassion and nurturing energy ignites. This often stimulates our beloved to follow our lead and look at his/her illusions and unresolved issues. When we take the time to reconcile our deepest needs and illusions, we start the process of truly loving ourselves. And when we love ourselves enough to do this, love warms the heart of your partner and a positive cycle of love, self-responsibility and joy is mutually experienced.
The Peace Treaty is a tool to help a couple or an individual move from chronic conflict to self-responsibility and deeper bonds. If two people own their emotional baggage, a sovereign sense of love, cooperation and gentleness returns to the relationship. When you allow yourself to pursue personal illusions and bring the light of day to your wounded heart, you can truly learn to meet your needs and communicate your heart’s desire to your partner. Mindfulness creates matching energy and then…everyone wins.
If you’d like guidance in how to create more love in your relationship, please call The Ommani Center to schedule a session to learn all the steps within the Peace Treaty. In September, I will offer a free presentation on Thursday 9-13-18 from 6:30-7:30Pm at The Ommani center about my book Henosis: The Psychological Wisdom and Eternal Principles That Lead to Lasting Peace and Wellbeing. A two-day course that goes into depth about the core concepts within the book will occur on two Saturdays… 9-15-18 and 9-29-18 from 9AM to 4PM at the Ommani Center.
July 2018 Eric Ehrke LCSW, LMFT is a psychotherapist at Ommani. He’s available to see patients on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Call our office at 262.695.5311 to schedule an appointment.